please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
