someone threw a dead crab at me
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
