Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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