How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
