What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
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