Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
