Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
