I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
