I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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