Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
