The brown eye won't let me do that either.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
