I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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