Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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