Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
