My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
