I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
