I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
