I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Of course I have a pirate flag
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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