Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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