Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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