I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
