FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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