I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
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