i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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