Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
The beer is more important than you right now.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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