Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
