Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
