I wish my penis had an off switch
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
