mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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