just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
