Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
