I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
