WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
