I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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