two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
