I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
