look no pants
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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