I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
