1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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