life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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