to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
