I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
