if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
the condom got lost in my hair
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
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