omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
