Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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