I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
