I intend to get homeless drunk
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
