How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
