it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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