yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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